The president of Lotus walks into an elevator with a gun in his hand. In the elevator are: Sadam Hussein, Timmothy McVeigh, and Bill Gates, but there are only two bullets in the gun!
Who does he shoot???
Gates, twice to be sure.
Top ten reasons that Bill Gates would run for president.
1)He wants to buy an old Cesna, paintit flashy colors, and call it Air Force '95.
2)He heard that some government agencies were using UNIX.
3)He wants to get that illegal sports car in SF Bay into the US.
4)He just thinks it would be neat to be president of two big thingies.
5)He's hot for Janet Reno.
6)His ego needs to be inflated.
7)He lost the key to his mansion, so he needs a new place to live.
8)He thinks that he can use MS Money to balance the budget.
9)He feels that Perot just didn't throw enough money at it.
10)He wants to make Windows '95 the official operating system of the USA.
Did you hear about the Microsoft Windows programmer who died? He found himself in front of a committee that decides whether you go to Heaven or Hell.
The committee told the programmer he had some say in the matter and asked him if he wanted to see Heaven and Hell before stating his preference.
"Sure," he said, so an angel took him to a place with a sunny beach, volleyball, and rock and roll, where everyone was having a great time.
"Wow!" he exclaimed. "Heaven is great!"
"Wrong," said the angel. "That was Hell. Want to see Heaven?"
"Sure!" So the angel took him to another place. Here a bunch of people were sitting in a park playing bingo and feeding dead pigeons.
"This is Heaven?" asked the Windows programmer.
"Yup," said the angel.
"Then I'll take Hell." Instantly he found himself plunged up to his neck in red-hot lava, with the hosts of the damned in torment around him. "Where's the beach? The music? The volleyball?" he screamed frantically to the angel.
"That was the demo," she replied as she vanished.
There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10m visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy "Hey! Where am I?" To this, the solitary office worker replies "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.
The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple" replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 percent correct but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."
Is Windows a virus?
No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
They replicate quickly Okay, Windows does that
Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so Okay, Windows does that
Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk Okay, Windows does that, too
Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems Sigh... Windows does that, too
Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware Yup, that's with Windows, too
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature
So, Windows is *not* a virus
Note about Windows '95 Windows '95 supports Plug 'n' Pray peripherals!!!
What's the difference between Bill Gates and Robert Tappen Morris, Jr. (the Internet Worm Hacker)?
Robert Tappen Morris, Jr., got six months in jail for crashing 10% of the computers that Bill Gates made $100 million crashing last weekend.
Did you know... That Bill Gates is the world's only living heart doner?
That Bill Gates has never been potty trained?
That Bill Gates is not human (big surprise)?
That he is actually a creation of George Lucas?
That George decided not to use him because he didn't want to scare small children.
Lightbulb
Q: How many Bill Gateses does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. He puts the bulb in and lets the world revolve around him.
Q: How many Microsoft executives does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can see no need for uninstallation and have therefore made no provision for light bulbs to be removed.
Q: How many Microsoft support staff does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to ask "What is the registration number of the light bulb?", one to ask "Have you tried rebooting it?", another to ask "Have you tried reinstalling it?" and the last one to say "It must be your hardware because the light bulb in our office works fine..."
Star Trek: Bill Gates & the Borg BG and his young wife wakes up after their first marriage night. The woman says: "Finally, I found out, why you called your company "MicroSoft"
God Speaks to Bill
God appeared in a dream to the Pope, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates. He told them,
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that I exist. The bad news is that I will end the world in 30 days."
The Pope woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some good news. The good news is that we were right all along, God exists. The other good news is that we'll be going to heaven in 30 days."
Bill Clinton woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that God is on our side. The bad news is that the world will end in 30 days."
Bill Gates woke his staff and said,
"I have some good news and some great news. The good news is that God thinks I'm an important guy. The great news is that we won't have to deal with any more Windows '95 complaints."
A poor employee had been suffering dreadfully during the building of Gates' infamous new home. The poor architect had used a Mac to undertake the interior and the wrath of Gates had fallen upon him. In fact, this guy was so distressed at the thought of using Windows in a design environment that he just got up one day and took his own life.
He reappears at the gates of heaven where St.Peter is sitting with his clipboard. Nervously he walks up to St.Peter.
"Ah", St.Peter says, "you're the poor fellow who suffered at the hands of Gates. Don't worry, you're in heaven now. Everything is allright."
Still quivering, the poor architect says:
"At last, that's wonderfull. But you promise me that Bill Gates won't appear here."
St.Peter lets out a broad laugh:
"Is the Pope Catholic? You know what they say about rich men, needles and camels ... anyhow, we use Amigas ..."
Then, suddenly, beyond the pearly gates a familiar figure appears. The poor architect falls into an apoplectic fit:
"Look, look, you told me he'd never find a place in heaven, but it's him."
St.Peter turns around to see the sight.
"Ah, no my son, that's God, he just thinks he's Bill Gates ..."
Holy macadamia nuts in a canoe with moose hides topped with ketchup and a chicken licking its fingers in a monkeysear
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